Akatsuki: The Blank Bankroll
by Cheikko
Summary: The Akatsuki fortune has disappeared, business is slow, and need for money is strong. So why not take up a part-time job? Rated M possible adult themes, references to violence, and strong HIDAN language. HUMOR/MYSTERY, POSSIBLE PAIRINGS.
1. Broke? Wait, seriously?

**WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T GOTTEN DEEP INTO NARUTO SHIPUUDEN.**

* * *

It was the evening when the time came. The time of the nightly weekly meetings. Although this time, had been

different. The meeting had been called a day earlier in schedule. This had meant bad business, nothing in the past

had been 'bad' enough to not wait another day, this earlier than planned meeting was a sure sign of a 'problem.'

Outside the Akatsuki hideout the weather was tainted. It was cold, stormy. It was winter time. The time when their

big black cloaks had finally gone to good use, the time when wrecking havoc became the most fun.

"Hey, hey, senpai!"

**_"What?"_**

"Are we there yet?"

"We're coming close to."

**_"What? You can't wait? Impatient brat."_**

**ELSEWHERE**

"Damn, this weather is killing me, seriously."

"Maybe if you'd wear a damn shirt it wouldn't."

"Kakuzu shut the hell up! I'd only end up ruining it after my rituals. _Fuckin' bloody shirts_."

_Sigh. Out of all the members of the Akatsuki, I had to be paired up with this asshole. This Janshin cultist, foul language speaking, imbecile asshole._

"Ahh, Tobi, it seems we're back."

"Oh, yay! Senpai, senpai! Can I do it this time? Can I? Can I?!"

"Uhh, maybe next time Tobi."

With that, Zetsu performed the seals necessary to activate the opening of their hideout.

**ELSEWHERE**

"I wonder what's so important that can't wait another day."

The tall specimen had leaped off a rock on a large tree branch following his teammate leap branch after branch after

branch.

"…"

Silence from the young man.

"Something must have gone wrong with the capture of one of the tailed beasts."

"…"

Silence again.

**NOT TOO FAR FROM THERE  
**

"I wonder what screwed up, and who did the screwing, un."

The blond smirked at his own comment.

"I highly doubt its got anything to do with any of us."

"Then why do you think the leader's called us together to arrive in person danna, un?"

"I have a few ideas, but I'll let the leader do the talking. We wouldn't want to keep him waiting."

**AT THE HIDEOUT  
**

"Konan, by the looks of the facts, do you think we could last about a year more at most?"

"If we don't take actions now, I don't believe so."

_Sigh. Out of all the problems that could occur, this happens. The Akatsuki had gone bankrupt. But how? How did our large fortune disintegrate? We could always earn it back, but business had been slow._

It was winter time, time for the holidays, times when even the worst of enemies cut back on their own spendings on weapons of mass destruction, and war materials, to save up money to buy gifts for loved ones. Indeed, this was a bad time of business for rogue assassins.

"Geez, if I wait any longer my eyes would fuckin' pop out of their damn sockets. Shit."

The platinum haired albino had been very impatient. He and his partner had came from the farthest distance and had still made it before most other members.

"Kakuzu watch your damn mouth! The leaders not to fond of that language."

The man lightly, yet angrily noted to the albino as he gave him a dark look.

"Psh, why the fuck should I? He's not my god."

"Shut up about your god will you? Geez, you've been complaining all day, the next time you get your head cut off I should sew your damn mouth close."

The two had proceeded to insult each other quite loudly as they waited.

**OUTSIDE THE HIDEOUT**

"So shall I, or you?"

The other man ignored the comment, and looked around slowly and carefully to avoid anyone from following the two

into the cave.

"Myself it is."

The man said with a smirk.

The entrance had been covered with boulders and had a waterfall in front. With the correct handsigns, the waterfall would split into two parts, and the boulders would morph around to form an arch with the entrance.

The two entered.

"Finally! You two were like the fuckin' closest to the hideout, seriously!" Hidan shouted.

"We're aware, un." Deidara replied.

"What took you guys?" The orange-masked man asked.

"Don't worry about it, un." The blond said saucily.

"We got into some trouble on the way, we could have made it here faster, if you'd not mind having a few stowaways following. But I apologize for the late arrival." The red head said very formally with no hint of emotion nor sarcasm in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah, apology accepted. Geez, where the hell are the other two, they were only the second farthest."

**OUTSIDE**

"That took longer than expected, I hope they all aren't already there."

The tall man proceeded to make hand signs, and entered, the other beside him.

"Hey, right on time, un. Hidan was about to kill himself, again, from boredom, un."

Deidara smirked at Hidan who had then flipped him off.

"So what's your story, what took you two?"

The leader had suddenly appeared, he had unknowingly been listening to the conversations of his cloaked criminals.

"Itachi wanted to check something out on the way, so what's this meeting about anyway?"

The shark looking man wasted no time getting to his point.

"Yeah, un." The blond agreed.

The leader and his partner further stepped into the attentions of the criminals.

"I've called you all today to discuss the disappearance of our account."

"Account?" Kisame replied.

"Yes, account. Our _money_ account."

From there, Deidara and Hidan had stole glances of Kakuzu to see his reaction. Though, it made no difference, he had helped handle the Akatsukis' money, he had known what had happened before hand, and it was he, who nearly had ripped his own partners head off its body after finding out what happened.

"How, may I ask, did this happen?" Sasori asked.

"We have yet to find out, though when we do, we'll be sure to tell you all."

By we, he had meant, himself, his partner, Konan, and the treasurer himself, Kakuzu. They were more than ready to investigate the disappearance of the money, and already crossed themselves off the list of who may have done it.

Kakuzu was greedy, and saved any amount of money he had, spending the whole fortune of the Akatsuki was not in his best interest. Konan had no interest in money, nor material goods, she had once even shredded some of her own money apart, not realizing it was not the same paper she had conjured with her jutsu's. Not that it mattered. She had no care. As for the leader himself, Pein had better intentions than gathering up money. He would have sooner trade in all the money in the world for all the power to rule the world.

"So… what?" The albino had replied.

"'So what?' This means that we have actions to take to get ourselves out of this!" Kakuzu yelled, irritated by his partners' ignorance.

"What kind of actions, un?" Deidara asked.

"It being winter time gives us a disadvantage. Business for us is weak, so we may have to take up part-time jobs."

_Silence from the gang of criminals._

* * *

Review please? No flames. ): kthanxbaii (:


	2. Now Hiring

**RECAP**

"So… what?" The albino had replied.

"'So what?' This means that we have actions to take to get ourselves out of this!" Kakuzu yelled, irritated by his partners' ignorance.

"What kind of actions, un?" Deidara asked.

"It being winter time gives us a disadvantage. Business for us is weak, so we may have to take up part-time jobs."

Silence from the gang of criminals.

**END RECAP**

"Are you fuckin' serious?" Hidan said lightly, his mind pondering at the idea of a 'part-time' job.

"Pardon, Hidan?" Pein replied.

" ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! ARE YOU GOING 'COO-KOO' IN THE BRAIN-BRAIN?!?" Hidan yelled.

"Yes. Yes I am. In fact, I'm helping all of you get a job. I have contacts that will help me easily get you guys employed."

"We're motherfuckin' criminals! _Our pictures are all over this damned world, we're wanted motherfuckin' dead or motherfuckin' alive. How in the HELL are we gonna get a damned job?!_" Hidan argued.

It didn't matter to him whether the leader had made lightning strike him, he was in fact, immortal.

"I have a special jutsu to fix that problem. Any other questions?" The leader said calmly, ignoring the tantrum easy albino.

"Where will we be seeking employment?"

Itachi had never really been the socializing type, but when he did say something, it was meaningful, and thoughtful.

"I was going to send you all back to your home villages, but I knew that not all of you would be willing to compromise."

He looked intently to Hidan as he made a scrunched face.

"So I'll allow you all to choose between two heavily populated countries, Sunagakure, and Konohagakure."

Kisame and Deidara looked to their partners expecting a reaction, as Itachi had runaway from Konoha, and Sasori had runaway from Suna.

"That is all. And, by the way, the money you each earn will be divided in half, half to our organization, half for you to keep." Pein looked to his partner.

"Please, all of you, behave." Konan was expressionless. She had known that something, somewhere will go wrong.

She dared not note it, as Pein was awfully proud of his choice.

"All of you are dismissed, except for Kisame, you will be the first I will attempt to attach to a job."

The members did not dismiss entirely, in fact, they decided to linger a while longer to find out what Kisame would be assigned.

**...**

"Would you prefer to be employed in the Hidden Sand or Hidden Leaf?" Pein questioned.

_Hmm. Leaf or Sand, Leaf or Sand. Well, I'd prefer to be somewhere less humid, and more moist. Like the Leaf, but I'd like to see Itachi at work, and he'd probably avoid Leaf._

Kisame imagined Itachi working in a restaurant, as a janitor.

_"Heh, scrubbing the floors I see."_

_The younger ninja looked up to see his blue shark-like partner._

_"Hn."_

_"Hahahahhhaahaha, I have to get a picture or this or something." Kisame coughed out as he took hold of his stomach, aching from his laughing._

"I'll try the Hidden Sand." Kisame smirked as he imagined his teammate scrubbing bacteria or the floor.

"According to this employment sheet, you have a choice of working in a hospital, a weapon shop, and a restaurant specializing in beef flavored noodles."

"Any chance of two members working at the same place?"

"Well the hospital is hiring as many as possible, and the restaurant is hiring about 3, so ultimately yes, if you choose either of those two."

_So which one was less humiliating. The hospital seems pretty close. Although …_

_"Kisa-chaaan, do you have the anesthetic?" A nurse asked._

_"Why yes I do, you're not planning to use it on that one boy now do you?"_

_"What? No, of course not." The girl blushed._

_"Why don't you just ask him out already, you're obsessing over him. That's not cool. Trust me, I'm a guy, I know."_

_"Well, yeah, I would … but … he's so intimidating. Have you seen his core area?"_

_"OHMYGASSSH. I have. He's like totally ripped."_

_The blue man and the nurse blushed as rosy red with both hands to their cheeks. Completely flustered._

_… NO. Just … No. Think manly thoughts Kisame, MANLY. Smelly shoes. Sharp weapons. Big weapons. Just big, not compensating for anything at all. THAT'S IT!_

"Eh … I'll skip out on those and go for the weapons."

"It's final then. Here." The red-head handed the tall man a fairly thick stack of papers.

"I thought you said you had contacts, wouldn't they deal with this?"

"Yes of course, this is the workers' manual."

"I don't need this, I'm pretty sharp about weapons you see." The man pointed to his large sword, Samehada.

"Yes, well … we wouldn't want to risk anything."

The tall man sighed, then respectfully took the manual. Signaled goodbye and turned to leave.

"And by the way,"

Kisame turned.

"I will find a suitable host for you to take up as your image. In the meantime, it's crucial that you keep all your information to yourself. That book, your job. Keep it even from the other members. This is important. Think of it as …_ a mission._"

The man smiled, then left.

"HEY BLUE. What happened in there. We thought you were getting ambushed or something, seriously." The janshinist noted, as he was the first to notice the tall man exit the room.

"Heh, I got a job." Kisame smiled proudly.

"Am I still the only fuckin' one that thinks this is all some bull-"

"Yes you are!"

Hidan turned to see who dared interrupt him.

"Tobi is a good boy! Unlike Hidan-san, arguing with the leader." The masked man cheerfully recited.

"TOBI YOU ARE SO FUCKIN' DEAD."

"No I'm not, I'm pretty alive, I'm sure. Aren't I Zetsu-san?"

No way Zetsu was getting into this, he had learned he lesson from before trying to defend the masked man.

Hidan was fuming, and was a good two seconds away from striking the cheerful boy.

"Oy, by the way hot shot, the leader told me to tell you that your next."

"DAMN THIS. Your all going to hell, seriously. And I thought it was bad when you guys wouldn't worship Janshin god of all-"

"Will you just go already." A certain red-head spoke.

"It's not nice to keep anyone waiting. Especially anyone like the leader."

"You know what, FUCK you. FUCK all of you."

The albino walked towards the room and entered. Cursing and mumbling under his breathe along the way.

"So Kisame, un, what job did you end up taking?"

The words of the leader ringed in his mind.

_"Think of it as … a mission."_

"What's it to you?" Kisame saucily replied.

"Wha-"

Kisame turned around and headed towards the exit of the headquarters before the blond could finish his sentence.

Outside the base Kisame stood and looked around. Once making sure that no company was around, he pulled out

manual and read the cover.

"Konoha Weapon Boutique Trainee Book. Learn the trade of weapon selling, weapon making, weapon cleaning, blah blah blah." Kisame read out loud.

He turned to the first page and proceeded to read while walking to his destination. His destination being a very peaceful and high area. It was a rocky by at the very top were flat topped rocks that were very comfortable to the back ends. He knows this for sure because he and Itachi had often went to that area to use their mind jutsu that allowed their presence to the base when couldn't be there in person.

It was a hushed area, and it was rare if a person would appear even ten miles away. Besides, it was also one of Itachi's favorite dwellings. And Kisame was ready to bug Itachi about how he may have some misfortune in getting a job that interests him.

"Ah, Hidan. Nice to see you again." Pein said indifferently.

"Yeah, whatever, son of a-"

"So where do you plan on finding a job?" Pein interrupted.

"Tch. Leaf."

"Ahh, excellent choice."

Hidan rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms.

"Would you prefer to wor-"

"Look, I just want a job where I can run around half naked. I get hot easily, seriously."

"So you don't want to hear your options?"

"Dude, what the fuck. Didn't you hear what I just said. Damn. I don't fucking care. Shit."

"Alright, hot springs it is then."

_Hots springs. Sigh, well besides the fact I won't be able to sacrifice people openly. I can dress half-naked. I don't have to wear a goddamn shirt. No fuckin' shirt. Whatsoever. Maybe this won't be so bad? Wait... what am I saying? I'm FUCKED.  
_

"Everything will be taken care of for you."

"What? That's it? No fuckin' book telling me how to do my fuckin' job, or a fuckin' application harassing me about my goddamn background?"

"No, as I said everything will be taken care of. You may leave, notify Deidara to enter next."

"Whatever. Bastard." Hidan grumbled beneath his breathe as he exited.

"Avoid sharing your information, will you?" Pein warned before he left

"Oy Deidara, it's your turn to enter the realms of satan." Hidan said coldly.

"Un." The blond replied.

Deidara had been far more excited to get a job than all of them. Maybe even Tobi. He had even, in fact, chose his

area of work ahead of time, and wisely. He even noted it as a smart 'business' move.

The blond grinned.


	3. The Initiation

**UPDATED !**

* * *

**RECAP**

"Oy Deidara, it's your turn to enter the realms of satan." Hidan said coldly.

"Un." The blond replied.

Deidara had been far more excited to get a job than all of them. Maybe even more than Tobi. He had even, in fact, chose his area of work ahead of time, and wisely. He even noted it as a smart 'business' move.

**END RECAP**

"Sunagakure."

"Ahh, the Hidden Village of Sand, you have a choice of a hospital, or a restaurant."

_What the hell, un. That's all?! He can't possibly be serious._

"Yes, there was a more … suitable job available, but it's already been taken, and ninja of your expertise would probably not enjoy it anyways."

_Damn it. Well a restaurant sounds appealing right now, but the hospital would be more tactical, if I want to ever learn more about that one-tailed beast and its' host. Any strengths, weaknesses, allergies he may have must be in his personal medical files. It might also be very simple, considering the Sand doesn't have much of a medical system, and not that many Medical Ninja's to explode._

"I guess I'll go with the hospital, un."

"Alright. I'm guessing your aware of the procedures there?"

"Yes."

_Not really, un._

"Very well, you have nothing to worry about, for now. I will handle all business affairs."

"Yes, un"

"You are sure about the hospital, correct?"

"Of course."

"Very well, you are dismissed, please bring in Kakuzu, and remember don't share anything to anyone as of yet."

Deidara nodded without a sound, got up, and left.

**MEANWHILE**

"Heh, I knew I'd find you here."

"…"

"You better hope the leader calls you in soon, there isn't much of a choice."

The blue man smirked as the smaller man sat in deep concentration.

"Where did you seek employment?" Itachi replied with no emotion.

"I can't tell you."

"…"

"…"

After a long silence, Kisame gave up on waiting for a reply from his introverted partner. He sat a few feet away from him, and pulled out his manual. Immediately Itachis' eyes shot directly on the spine of the book.

Kisame knew he wasn't suppose to reveal any crucial information about where he would be established, but he also knew Itachi was witty and would find a way.

**ELSEWHERE**

"Shizune! I have no time to spare reading anything right now, shall you?"

"Yes, Tsunade Sama!"

The assistant picked up the document in front of the very new Hokage who seemed to be fixating her eyes on another thick stack of paper.

"Hmm, well it seems to be a special system to allow foreigners to become easily settled here in Konoha."

"… and?"

"Uhm, well, it'd allow them to more easily get a workers permit, and a settlement plan, it'd also-"

"Ah, I see, well give me the paper then."

"Er, Tsunade-sama, don't you think you should more carefully read the contract?" Shizune sweatdropped.

Tsunade paused, and her sharp eyes focused on her assistant.

"Are you questioning my _capabilities_?! I, the _Hokage of Konohagakure_?!" Tsunade sternly said.

"I-I, no Tsunade-sama!" Shizune said as she bowed. As she got back up she wasted no time to look Tsunade in her eyes and immediately went back to her duties.

Tsunade smiled ever so slightly and looked down at the document below.

"Tsunade." The Hokage said out loud slowly as she signed the document.

Shizune continued organizing the archive Tsunade had in her office. In her mind she went over the facts that the document would initiate. People that had no documentation or background information could easily get a job and a place to stay in their beloved country. They could easily be paid over the counter as well. These only being the far noticeable, there were plenty more changes to occur, according to the document.

**MEANWHILE**

"Very well, now that you're all here, I should all tell you how this will turn up."

Silence from the criminals.

"You each have a job waiting for you, and we all know that none of you will be able to do so with your names, backgrounds, appearances."

Pein stalled for a moment to steal a glance of his altered and differential minions.

"I have a special jutsu to take care of that. Each of you will dwell in the body of one of my copies."

Sasori flinched slightly.

_Could this be some type of puppetry jutsu?_

"Your bodies can be kept safe here at base while you all inhabit the body of another. You can only stay in the body of one if you have the chakra to do so, so make sure you get plenty of rest while your out there."

Hidan looked to the side a bit, uninterested.

_Tch. You're all going to hell, first class, V.I.P. and all._

"Shall I summon your hosts?"

Silence again from the criminals.

"I'm excited!" A certain orange masked man squealed.

Pein, ignoring the man's enthusiasm, did a long assembly of handsigns, fifty-four to be exact. After the final sign he closed his eyes. The men didn't bother to ruin his concentration.

"_Are you done?_ Shit's taking forever, seriously." A white-haired man asked.

With that, Pein opened his eyes his hands still in its final sign. Suddenly a poof of smoke appears.

"Seeing that your in a hurry, I guess you could be the first, Hidan."

At Peins' last words to Hidan faded, the smoke also disintegrates and a figure emerges. Sparkling lavender tinted eyes pop out, and it's body slowly revealing itself.

_What the … wait. Curves, long hair … he fuckin' made me a woman!?_

* * *

**Yes, I'm no good at lemons. ^_^' Hope you enjoyed! & Pardon the slightly longer than usual wait and shorter than usual chapter, school's back, and so is homework. _**


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